Cuts Deep

This week’s message covers a topic of forgiveness and it’s unfortunate partner, betrayal. I’s a weighty subject, but important to talk about, and one that I keep encountering as of late in my work with clients. It can be a difficult place to get to, but once it occurs is liberating. Forgiveness does not mean condoning bad behavior, it means letting go of the anger and resentment over an act of betrayal. While forgiving someone benefits them it also, more importantly, benefits us.  Holding onto anger can feel like a fester sore that never heals. It colors the lens that we view the world through and shuts us off from allowing good things to come through.

One thing I’ve noticed when working with clients over the years are the stages that one has to go through in order to get to the place where they can forgive.  It can take time, especially when you’ve felt particularly betrayed by someone. Oftentimes the shock when the incident occurs can leave you feeling like you’re able to cope and move through it with ease, but then the reality of the situation hits and then the anger comes flooding through. Is the anger justified? You bet it is. And it is necessary to allow it in order to move through it. When you’re able to allow yourself time to be in this state and not make yourself wrong for it – really feel it – then it’s easier to get to the other side without staying forever stuck in it.

Another thing that often shows up after an act of betrayal is depression, which is actually anger turned inward. The bummer about depression is that it can take all of the joy out of life. How do you move through? By reaching out. It’s imperative that you find a network of support, whether through friends, family or a professional. When you’re in the midst of hurt it can sometimes feel like it will never end. It’s excruciating. But time and time again I’ve seen the other side of it, those who bravely face it head on, feel the pain, and move toward forgiveness and greater awareness. This message is once again a repost, but such a good one that it’s definitely worth the repeat.

Wishing you all a peaceful heart.

With Love.

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From Over There:

"Betrayal arises from the perpetrator's inability to be truthful. This can happen through fear of consequences, lack of maturity, or through actions that the perpetrator feels to be inappropriate and still continues to act upon. Whatever the cause, it is the rebuilding of trust that creates healing - if both parties are open. The perpetrator must first prove through action that the offensive behavior has stopped, and the receiving individual must be open to change from the other. Patience will be needed as it is through repeated new action by the perpetrator that trust is rebuilt. This new action must come from the perpetrator's own desire for change, and not from the one acted upon.

Many times, the relationship is forever changed, and whether it continues or ceases, much growth can occur. It is openness to this growth that moves both parties forward into a richer awareness of life."

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Featured Guest: International Forgiveness Institute

The International Forgiveness Institute is dedicated to helping people gain knowledge about forgiveness and to use that knowledge for personal, group, and societal renewal.

Since 2002, the IFI has focused almost exclusively on a new and challenging activity—the development of forgiveness education curricula for children in war-torn, impoverished, and/or oppressed areas of the globe. Our classroom research shows that as children learn about forgiveness, their levels of anger go down. Our theory is that such anger reduction in students will help them improve their interpersonal relationships to the point that they can begin to see, as they mature into adults, the best path toward justice. We believe that forgiveness education is one path toward peace. For more information please visit international forgiveness.com. 

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For Trayvon

I had already written and posted this week’s message prior to the verdict being announced regarding George Zimmerman and his role in the death of Trayvon Martin, and since I felt compelled to speak on the subject there will be two posts. As a white woman with light hair, light eyes and a slim build I know I don’t pose a very threatening figure. I know that this has afforded me to, at times, move easily through the world without drawing much attention to myself. I also, try as I might, can’t imagine what it’s like to be black, especially a young black male in our society. And, I know that as much as some of us want to believe that we don’t judge one another by appearance, that’s simply not true. We do judge each other, though hopefully some of us do so with a little conscious awareness.

All of this has reminded me of a few times where I happened to be by myself while encountering another lone individual – a black male. I remember several occasions while in an elevator, climbing stairs, or simply walking down the street, that in virtually every instance was greeted with a very polite response, almost as if they were trying to make sure I felt comfortable in their presence. The more I observed this, the more I started to take notice of the differences between my encounters with white men vs. black men. By and large the men of color were much more polite. Oftentimes, in my encounters with white males I found that they didn’t even acknowledge me. I’m not saying in all instances, but definitely enough to take notice. What this has shown me is that white men, like me, can easily move throughout the world, and don’t really care if they’re noticed, because they don’t have to deal with the same instant reaction to their presence that black men do.

I find it horribly sad that today in our modern world a sector of society can never fully relax. I know as a woman I’ve had this experience, needing to be hyper-vigilant in paying attention to my surroundings to keep myself safe, but the issue of skin color goes much deeper than this. Derogatory assumptions are made solely based on the level of pigment one naturally displays, as if this were a marker of character. I wish so badly that we could evolve and learn to judge each other only on the merits of character alone, and not appearance, though it doesn’t look like that’s happening anytime too soon. It’s simply tragic that a young man is dead because of this.

What can we do until then? Maybe stop, check ourselves and our reactions, and don’t instantly assume? Not always easy in the moment, but staying conscious is a habit and necessary in choosing a more evolved way of thinking. We CAN get better at this. I’ve seen quite a few people who may have been raised to be intolerant of a certain segment of society change their views though experience and open-mindedness.  All it takes is a commitment to move past the fear and limiting beliefs.

Here’s to each of you, all beautiful members of the human race.

With Love.

P.S. Please see the other new post, Sister, Sister, below.

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From Over There:

“Brothers and sisters under the skin, you are all part of the human race. Genetics are part of the physical, not of the soul. The soul has no such boundaries. The genetic blueprint in which one carries into this world concerns the life and lessons while embodied – not before physical birth or after physical death occurs. To understand one’s self on a soul level opens for understanding of other’s beyond their physical presence. It opens to an expanded view of the human race as a whole being, not as racially divided entities.”

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Featured Guest: The National Resource Center for Racial Healing

The National Resource Center for Racial Healing (NRCHR) was created in 1999 as a 501(c) 3 not-for-profit organization. We begin where diversity training and judicial laws end. All the laws that can be written to eradicate racism have been passed or discussed with much debate. Our focus is creating a society that embraces the reality of the oneness of humankind, and the eradication of racism and its many forms that dehumanize or cause strife. Our methods and process help change the hearts of people by creating a safe environment to explore the disease of racial conditioning. Over fifteen hundred (1,500) have been trained by the NRCHR and the results are exceptional. Our processes not only work, but they are applicable to the masses, companies, and communities. To learn more, please visit nrchr.org.

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Sister, Sister

As much as I love being female there’s one aspect of it that has always bothered me deeply, and that’s the cattiness I sometimes see among my gender. The thing is I, for one, don’t believe that this behavior is hardwired into our DNA, but instead is a product of a society bent on separating and disempowering us. For any of you men reading this, please know that this post is in no way male-bashing.  My hope is that it will show why it benefits you as well if women support, and not undermine, one another.

Fortunately and unfortunately the media has an awful lot to do with how our society views things. It affects our train of thought and inspires trends. It can be used to uplift and pull people together, or as reality (dare I say trash) TV shows, can instigate copious amounts of drama and plain old bad behavior. It’s up to us individually to ignore and rise above the trash and support one another. I know this is possible, because I happen to be blessed with knowing stupendously wonderful, kind, thoughtful and respectful women who would never even consider maliciously harming their fellow sister. They recognize that in doing so is an insult to all women, and that it sets up the proliferation of catty, self-serving behavior.

I’m pretty sure that you women reading this post fall into the stupendously-wonderful-kind-thoughtful-respectful category, and my hope is that your being so will act as inspiration to those who haven’t yet found their way there. It’s an awesome responsibility we carry, but hey, we’re women, we can handle it!

With Love.

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From Over There:

“The female is the keeper of creation. It is through this physical proclivity – whether one bears children or not – that the natural instincts toward the care of others is induced. This position holds high responsibility in the well-being of all. It is through the support and respect that the female gender holds for one another that a strong foundation is built for the well-being of the entire race. It is upon this foundation in which the world stands.

When females diminish one another it weakens the foundation and the innate strength of the female species overall. It is through embracing this deep instinct toward care of one another that the female must present support and care to each other. This empowers each individually, and strengthens the foundation on which the entire race relies. It is imperative to the well-being of the entire race and the well-being of the planet as a whole.”

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Featured Guest: Feminine Power

Empowering awakening women to create their very best lives, realize their highest potentials and make their greatest contributions to the world—and to do so from a foundation of profound self-love, support, connection, prosperity and partnership with others who share their values and vision. To learn more, please visit femininepower.com.

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Teach Your Children...Again

This week’s message is a re-post from a year or so ago. It speaks of how the rebelliousness of youth many times is necessary for us to evolve as a society, especially when rigid viewpoints take hold. And in that true spirit I’m decided to be a little rebellious myself and not give you a brand new, never before seen message. And since it’s a good one, it’s definitely worth the repeat!

With Love.

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From Over There:

"Each generation is the keeper of the next. It is the responsibility of the keepers to allow for the evolution of the next generation. Many times, when rigid structures have been put in place by one generation through fear or complacency, it is the next generation that must break down the rigidity through seemingly rebellious acts. These acts are oftentimes necessary to push through barriers of conformity that slow the evolutionary process.

This evolutionary process is necessary for the ultimate survival of the human race. In historical review it can be seen that rebellious acts by youth - when done with concern for humanity and not strictly self-serving - result in bringing forth a higher conscious awareness of a given society.

It is important for the keepers to honor the spirit of youth. It is wise to stay flexible in order to evolve, while guiding the youth through safe passage with the wisdom of life experience. Each passing of the torch with compassion and understanding allows for greater consciousness for all."

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Featured Guest:Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

And how could possibly do anything other than post the iconic song by Crosby, Stills Nash & Young, Teach Your Children. Enjoy!

An Honest Reaction

When pondering this week’s message I completely agree that to feel fully free to speak the truth you must first be (at least somewhat) unattached to the fallout of what you disclose. This can be difficult when telling someone something that you know may hurt them, but I’ve found that taking full responsibility for your words is vital to moving through and on to resolution. Accepting responsibility also lessens any potential defensiveness from the delivery and feels more authentic to the one on the receiving end.

On the other hand, I believe that parts of the message this week don’t necessarily apply to certain work related situations. Why yes, while I think it’s ALWAYS important to hold yourself accountable for what is being said, I’m not quite sure being in an unattached state of mind is as helpful. For instance, the practice of sales is solely based on focusing intention on a particular reaction from the recipient of the information. Sales wouldn’t be sales without it. And what about lawyers? This line of work is all about how well an argument is delivered. Definitely a form of manipulation and you couldn’t be a successful lawyer without it. 

My point in all of this is to know when to turn it on and turn it off in regard to personal vs. work-related communications. No one wants to feel as if they’re constantly being sold on an idea or situation. I know for me that when I’ve had people in my life that are constantly “on” (ie, in selling mode) it’s hard to decipher whether they’re being truthful or not. It feels as if there is a constant undercurrent of manipulation taking place. Though I’m certainly not condoning dishonesty in any form, I do know that sometimes it’s necessary to use a little sales tactics or present a good argument at work to move ahead and get things done – it just  isn’t the best form of communication in building strong, honest personal relationships.

With Love.

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From Over There:

“When speaking the truth it is important do so without expectation to reaction. When one speaks truthfully with an attachment to the desired outcome, one runs the risk of censorship of oneself, sabotaging the act of full disclosure. The consequences of disclosing the truth may be assuaged in the delivery of information. To deliver through the heart with sincerity and an acceptance of responsibility for the information opens the possibility of honest dialog between parties. To deliver with an agenda creates the possibility of attempted manipulation by the bearer of information. In the presence of manipulation there can be no real truth.”

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Featured Guest: Seth Godin

Seth Godin has written fourteen books that have been translated into more than thirty languages. He writes about the post-industrial revolution, the way ideas spread, marketing, quitting, leadership and most of all, changing everything.

American Way Magazine calls him, "America's Greatest Marketer," and his blog is perhaps the most popular in the world written by a single individual. His latest book, We Are All Weird, calls for end of mass and for the beginning of offering people more choices, more interests and giving them more authority to operate in ways that reflect their own unique values. To learn more, please visit sethgodin.com.

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It Appears to Me...

Have you ever assumed something about someone, just to find that you were totally off base? Or in reverse, had assumptions made about you? We all have moments where we don’t verbalize something, whether we’re feeling intimidated or have preconceived judgments about someone that keeps us from wanting to communicate. It reminds me of an experience I had some years back when I got in a sledding accident and did a major face plant into a rock buried under the snow. The outcome was a very bruised and swollen face that had me looking like I had just gotten out of the ring with the heavyweight champion of the world. Not exactly a pretty look, but thankfully not permanent damage.

At the time I worked in an office and had a position where I would travel a little here and there for meetings and whatnot, and a few days after the accident had me flying to Los Angeles by myself for one such event. I did my very best to cover the bruising, but there wasn’t much that could be done about the swelling so I went ahead, donned my most professional attire and held my head high while attempting to act like nothing was wrong. Wow, what an experience!

The way I was treated astounded me. People constantly stared at me then quickly looked away when they noticed that I had caught them, and all the while I could feel the assumptions as to how I got in that condition. No one took the time to ask if I was ok or needed help, just nervously stared. It was a huge eye-opener (not so easy through the swelling) for me on how we all make assumptions based on what we’ve experienced, and how that affects our ability and inability to reach out to one another. Since then, I’ve done my best to check myself when sizing someone up before knowing their full story. Sometimes the simplest remedy when you’re unsure of another’s situation is to ask. It definitely would have made things easier for me that day.

Here’s to keeping the lenses upon which we view the world as clean as possible and our ability to connect with one another sparkly clear!

With Love.

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From Over There:

“Perception of another takes places through each individual’s unique lens. No two individuals view reality in the same way. Some will be more aligned with one another, some will have views that are in opposition of one another.  Personal perception occurs from experiences and how one relates to them. Even within the same familial structure there will be variant types awareness, given each member’s personality and role within the group.

It is to understand another that one needs to decipher whether opinion comes from present circumstance or lens of previous experience. It is in doing so that those with variant points of view can build harmonious relationship and peaceful interactions.”

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Featured Guest: Bob Marley

Here’s an upbeat little song from Mr. Marley to help raise our Positive Vibration. 

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Just Say It

Many years ago I was in a relationship where I didn’t feel safe to express my true feelings. It was stifling, and most often I kept things to myself for fear of retaliation. One night while I was particularly frustrated I went on a drive (I know, probably not the best course of action) to clear my head. As I drove I started yelling all of the things that I wasn’t able to say. It came pouring out. As I was doing this I suddenly heard a booming voice say, “The truth will set you free.” Uh, what…??? It was about this time that I decided to pull over and catch my breath. This was, by the way, years before I had any idea that I’d be talking to anyone ‘over there’ on a regular basis, so I was thrown totally off guard.

As I sat by the side of the road (much safer) the phrase, “The truth will set you free” kept playing over and over in my head. An insanely simple concept, but it was still a scary thought and it would be some time before I fully embraced it as a way of life. Nowadays I have absolutely no problem speaking my mind. I firmly believe in complete honesty and have been known to rile things up from time to time because of it. Honestly, I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or leave them feeling attacked, though the truth can sting sometimes.

I’ve been in the position of both the sting-er and the sting-ee, and have discovered over the years that honesty – while it might make for uncomfortable interactions in the present – is so much easier in the long run. It’s the only way to fully process and move through challenging emotions like anger, fear, jealousy and frustration. As the human beings that we are, we all have these feelings and if we want to get through to the other side it first takes an honest view of ourselves, followed by honest expression with others. As corny as it sounds, at the end of the day the best policy really is honesty. And yes, we can all handle the truth – if we allow.

Yours Truthfully.

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From Over There:

“When one denies the truth, one denies the freedom of the soul. Unspoken emotions continue to build and cause chaos within the body and mind. It is of utmost importance to forge relationships where one is allowed to express freely. The relationship initiated on the suppression of one’s expression creates a weak foundation no possibility for continual longevity and happiness. Only through honest interaction can a true relationship be built.”

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Featured Guest: Bye Bye Birdie

I’m being a little on the silly side with this week’s “Featured Guest”. It’s a clip from one of my favorite childhood movies, Bye Bye Birdie. The movie oozes with over-the-top campiness, and the clip is of the song Honestly Sincere. If nothing else, sit back and enjoy and costumes!  

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If you'd like more information, to book an appointment, or check out the current class schedule, please visit molliejensen.com.

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